I was bored and tired at 2 am.
See how hard I'm thinking?
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Why I Love Liz Feldman
If you have a vagina and don't know who Liz Feldman is, then crawl out of that scary heterosexual hole and jump on the gay train. Just come on up. We won't bite. It should be known as the Love Train.
See how I did that? I made it seem cooler by making a reference to the O'Jays.
People all over the world. Join hands. Start a Gay Train, Gay Train.
Ms. Liz is mostly known for her writing on The Ellen DeGeneres Show, which stars... Ellen DeGeneres. From this EPIC WRITING has come four Daytime Emmy Awards for one Liz Feldman.
And that brings me to the number one reason why I love Liz Feldman...
- She has Emmys.
Now if that's not awesome, I don't know what is. How many people in the world can say that they have an Emmy? Let alone, four of them. Daytime or primetime. Not... that... many. And how many people can say they've worked with Ellen DeGeneres? Well, maybe quite a few. She's been around.
... NO! Not like that. She's... been around for awhile with television shows, stand-up and movies. Not trying to insinuate that Ellen is a player because I'm sure she's not. Hell, she's married... to a very foxy lady, I must add. Maybe Ellen is a tad bit of a player. Didn't she leave Alexandra Hedison for Portia? In fact, Ellen and Portia decided to up and leave their partners and start a romance.
MORE LIKE A HO-MANCE.
Just kidding. Ellen's bomb.
It's okay. Alex is off doing bigger and British-ier things on the L Word again.
I just love this quote from WENN.com in a story about Portia and Ellen's new romance back in December 2004.
"Alexandra and Francesca are both devastated. Neither of them had any idea what was coming. People who know Ellen well feel she is going through a midlife crisis, dumping Alexandra for a hot, younger woman. They predict Ellen will come to her senses and dump Portia to go back to Alexandra in the near future."
Yeah, well, joke's on you, Mr. Insider. They happen to be married now... fool.
Whatever, back to Liz.
- She's hilarious.
I'm guessing you have to be pretty damn funny to land a writing spot on Ellen. That says it all right there. But I will dive deeper into the V-Hole of Liz Feldman's comedy.
Her stand up is great. I haven't personally seen her live, but seeing videos on AfterEllen and on YouTube is so enough for me. She's just not... clean and I love it. Well... I mean... She's not physically dirty, just comically. I've never seen her in person or smelled her. Maybe she's a bit funky... but whatever. That's besides the point. Her comedy makes her twenty times more sexy.
- GORGEOUS.
Have you looked at this woman? Dayum.
If I could have one Hottie Sandwich, I'd go to scientist school, learn how to clone, make another Liz Feldman, and stick myself right in between my Lizs'. Right where I belong.
See? I'd be the splash of color in their... mysterious... black and white... sexy... lesbolicious threesome. Please take note of the potty chair in the backround. I am ready for her finger babies.
- She's a lesbeau.
Now, obviously, Ms. Feldman is a gay lady. Face it, you scream dyke.
Nothing is hotter than an out and proud woman in the public eye. Except one thing. (Please refer back to the Hottie Sandwich.)
What the gay world needs is more Liz Feldmans. More smokin' hot, homosexual females with bright and shining careers who have poor, little teenagers crushin' on them, wishing to be part of a cloned-Liz Hottie Sandwich.
But forgetting all my gayness, I must say that she truly is a hero and I look up to her immensely. Sure, I probably won't grow up to write for Ellen or harass famous people at my kitchen table, but a girl can dream, right?
Just remember Liz....
I Be New
If you don't chew Big Red, then FUCK YOU!
Just kidding. That's the Nascar coming out in me. Just kidding. I'm a little, dirty kidder, aren't I? In fact, I very much dislike Nascar. Who, in their right mind, would just enjoy watching cars race around in a circle? Yeah, no one.
Now, I'm sure if you're in the car or on the track, it's super exhilarating and exciting, but watching it on television and being nowhere near the track doesn't do it for me.
But anyways, yo. I be Kristen. I be awesome. I be knowin' no grammar. Whatevah.
Some videos will be up here once I feel like it.
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